How To Get Along With Your Ex
Of the many things I consider on a daily basis, this is probably the one I think about the most. Of all the things I help people with on a day-to-day basis, this is the one that most people need the most. There is no perfect formula. Heck, there isn’t even a formula. There are, however, some tips and hints that I hope are helpful after 35+ years of navigating relationships that are moving from “together” to “apart.”
Tip 1 - You have to want to get along with your ex. You can’t just say that you want to (one of the common problems, written about earlier, is the spouse that claims that you don’t need a lawyer, and should just resolve all the issues between the two of you, when really all they mean is that they want to dictate all the results and have you just go along with it) when you really just want to punish or shame them. Most every relationship ends badly, folks. The hope and trust and love and admiration that existed once isn’t there any longer. Believe me, the other side feels the same way.
But that loss of intimacy in your relationship, of sharing of goals and intertwining of life, doesn’t mean that you need to be at war. All the hurt that you’ve caused each other doesn’t need to be put aside, or forgotten. You don’t have to trust, or allow the other person to hurt you, or be vulnerable to the old needles. But you do have to want to forge a pathway forward in which you can peacefully co-exist, or pull in the same direction. It might take therapy, to be honest, but the therapy isn’t as much about the hurt and the harm and the needles, as it is about learning how to navigate yourself and learn new skills to move forward as effective co-parents who no longer live together.
I can tell you that none of the other advice on this blog post is going to do you any good if you don’t adopt this one. You can manage crisis, you can avoid one another, you can pretend that The Ex no longer exists, but you will not evolve into an effective co-parent until you want to be one.
I can’t remember a single client in 36 years telling me that they didn’t want things to be better, to work better. The ones who never are able to move beyond that desire into a plan of action fall into two categories - either they, themselves, are still so burned by their ex that they cannot move past it, OR, their ex is so toxic and awful that it just isn’t going to happen. I hope some of these tips are still helpful.
Tip 2 - Try to separate the real things from the wishful thinking (that’s a line from a Warren Zevon song). Starting out with a goal of doing everything together even after a divorce is foolhardy. You might get to that point, and you might start at that point, but life gets in the way of both. Someone moves on, finds a new relationship, and the former spouses (or parents who never married) find themselves torn between the new relationship and the old. You are not trying to “pretend” for the sake of your children. You are seriously working on issues that will benefit your children (and trying your best to ignore those things that make cooperation difficult if not impossible). In some cases, folks, the best way to work with your ex to co-parent your children is to avoid them. Make sure that all exchanges occur through school or daycare; make sure that your parenting arrangement covers all the bases - if the child doesn’t have school that day, is the parent who had them that morning the one who keeps them, or the parent who is supposed to have them that night that starts early? I try to ensure that all my agreements set forth an exchange time (if you have them for the weekend, you bring them to school on Monday, because that way the “weekend parent” is 100% responsible for Monday homework, Monday school clothes, and you avoid the nightmare scenario of “Dad, we’re supposed to bring treats to school on Monday” or “Mom, I have a huge project due tomorrow” Sunday night conversation).
The agreement also needs to be specific about when the other parent’s time starts. Does it start after school? Does it start after work? Make sure your agreement spells all this out (again, my best advice on this, all things considered, is to say that the weekend parent is responsible to get the kids to school on Monday morning and if they don’t have school, responsible to keep them until the other parent’s “normal” starting time at the end of the school/work day).
The notion of “we’ll work that out when it happens” is not a good starting point either. Try to anticipate issues (lawyers, at least ones who’ve done this for awhile, are pretty good at this). What happens on holidays? Birthdays? Parents’ birthdays? Do we divide kids’ birthday days in half, with the parent who is supposed to have them that night having them from 6:30 p.m. on, and the parent who does not normally have them that day having them from after school until 6:30?
There’s no shortage of schedules that can be employed, but a perfect schedule means that an outside person can look at your calendar and tell you, with 100% certainty, which parent is supposed to have the kids at any hour of any day of the year that the kids are not in school (or are sick that day).
Tip 3 - If you have joint physical custody, go against the guidelines! The South Dakota Parenting Guidelines have their uses - it is a reasonable starting point, and the work they’ve done on the holiday rotation is laudable. But in some respects, they have made life more difficult, and those should be separately negotiated as part of your divorce, or it will lead to issues down the road. First is holidays - they used to say that if the normal rotation of weekends conflicts with the holiday, the holiday takes priority, but the parties should exchange the weekend before - or the weekend after - the conflicting holiday weekend, so neither parent has the minor children three weekends in a row. That was good advice, and if folks just got used to looking ahead to see which holidays conflicted with the normal weekend rotation, they would automatically substitute the one before-or-after to keep the normal rotation going, but make sure that no one went 3 weekends without seeing their children. This is especially true with parents whose only substantial contact with their kids is on weekends. When you get into the Easter/Mother’s Day/Memorial Day/Father’s Day/4th of July gauntlet, if you are not switching weekends in there, you can end up in a disaster (especially if someone schedules their “vacation” in that time).
If you just follow the guidelines as written, you don’t switch weekends. Which means, if it was Mom/Dad/Mom/Dad for weekends, but weekend #2 is Mom’s holiday, you end up with Mom/Mom/Mom/Dad, and (as noted above) you have another holiday/Mother’s Day/something coming up pretty quickly that will mess with the weekends all over again. Advocates for the guidelines will tell you that it will all work out, eventually, and they are correct, what goes around comes around. But it goes around and comes around with parents not seeing their children for 4 weekends - an entire month - and life is way too short, and time with your minor children way too short, to allow that to happen.
The same is true during the Christmas break. If you already have joint custody on a 2/2/3 basis, or other natural division of a 14-day period, don’t mess it up over the holidays. Have a separate schedule for the two weeks of winter break. I don’t care if that means that you simply say that “December 24th at 8a to December 25th at 8a is for Parent A, and December 25th at 8a to December 26th at 8a is Parent B”, and we switch every year, and otherwise just follow our normal rotating schedule. OR, Parent B’s holiday every year starts at 10a on Christmas Day and runs for one-half of the holiday, and Parent A gets the time from after school on the last day until 10a on Christmas Day and also the last days (from when Parent B’s “half of the holiday” ends until school starts again). Something definite. Something predictable. I prefer something that stays the same from year-to-year so that people establish holiday traditions with their respective families. It also helps dovetail the answer to this into your respective geographies - if one parent traditionally goes to see family in Wisconsin for the holiday, they are going to need a few days to make that happen. I have found that the parent who travels the farthest should take his or her Christmas right out of the middle - Christmas Day for one half of the school break, and the other parent should take the beginning and the end of the holiday. Same every year.
There is no one perfect solution, and if both families are Christmas Day families, you should rotate that from year to year, so both sides are able to have their traditions on alternating years, at the very least. But anticipate, schedule, and write it up so that everyone knows.
Tip 4 - How to disagree. There are so many facets to this that it might be hard to break down. But to me, separating your post-together life into categories is the first step. There is the important part that is you - this is the part the other side doesn’t get to touch. They don’t get to berate you about you or your choices or your body or your family. That’s a non-starter, and let the other person know that there is now an electrified fence around all of that. You have two things to talk about with an ex - how are the kids? and when’s the next parenting period? Keep that fence up. If you talk to your ex about her day, or her new boyfriend, or his purchases, or his job, you are inviting too many ugly things to come back. Sure, you can be cordial, have small talk, but always be ready to retreat into that safe zone. A quick “that’s off-limits” generally does the trick.
But with the kids, you need to have the motivation to have common ground. Hopefully, if you’ve followed the advice above, the amount of stuff to disagree about is limited, and if you don’t open up new avenues of conversation, you can keep it that way. But things are going to come up, and both attempting to reach an agreement, and having a method of how to resolve things when you don’t reach agreement, are vital to the process.
First, however, is the most important rule of disagreement over the kids - do not, ever, ever, ever, speak with the children about the other parent, or an event, or an activity, or an opportunity that occurs even partially within that parent’s time, without first speaking with your ex. If your child comes to you and says that he or she is invited to a sleep-over at Dolly’s house on Friday and she really wants to go, the answer isn’t to call Dolly’s mom and confirm her attendance. It is to let your child know that that is Dad’s time, and it is 100% up to Dad what happens during Dad’s time. You can (depending on the age of the child involved) let the child know that you will speak with Dad - tonight - about the issue, but that the answer is no as far as you are concerned, because it just isn’t up to you. Then approach Dad that night and let him know that your daughter got invited to a sleepover at Dolly’s for Friday, but that you told her no because it was Dad’s time and Dad’s decision. Then……let Dad decide! Don’t try to urge Dad to do anything. Just let him know it is his choice, and his time, and that he can either just say no (and you will enforce that decision), or he can take her to Dolly’s himself if he approves (then he gets to be the hero), or if he needs you to help transport or pick up or whatever, that you’re willing to help.
You can offer to swap weekends, so she gets to go to Dolly’s on “your” weekend, and he can have the next one. And confirm it in writing once you are done. There are lots of options, but the only option you DO NOT HAVE is to take any ownership of the decision as to what happens during the other parent’s time. I have had more problems because Parent A told a child they can go do something (or worse, creates or promotes an event that they know the child will want to attend) and only then presents it to the other parent. Wrong. That puts you both in an impossible situation - if the other parent says no, then you are mad, and the child is mad, and the other parent is mad. If the other parent says yes, then the other parent is mad, and it’s coming right back at you at some point in the future (or, at the very least, a few choice cuss words (and please, everyone, keep these in your head, not out loud) because you put them in this situation in the first place). Just don’t do it. Always defer to the other parent’s time. And this includes ever signing the child up for any activity which would involve the transportation/time or energy of the other parent. Just don’t do it before talking to the other parent and working out all the details.
Respect their time and their stuff. Children should be able to bring any item home from House A to House B, especially personal items. But make sure, every time, that the items that came from House A go back to House A at the first possible exchange. Clean. Undamaged. If you forget, make a special trip to bring it back (provided you don’t live hours away from one another). Show the other parent that you respect that they let them bring the new toy, and that you have every appreciation for the fact that it belongs to the other parent. Even if they don’t do this for you, do it for them. If you do have an ex who doesn’t return things, make a list of the things that go with the child to the other parent, and remind the other parent to include those items the next time the child goes back and forth. If they don’t do it, write it down again before the next exchange.
Sometimes, though, it is just a situation where agreement isn’t going to happen. This is not, as many people thing, a chance to “win” or “lose.” This is not a grievance process to make up for years of controlling behavior. To get along with your ex, you need to have a method of resolving disputes. Here are some examples of ways to do it -
Whoever has the kids at the time decides. Even those with joint legal custody (which is most everybody) the rule just says that you need to confer on major decisions, and share information. The day-to-day is still up to the parent who has them that day. Now, this doesn’t always extend to radical haircuts, or tattoos, or getting married at 16, or dropping out of high school. Those are not daily decisions, and even if they are, you need to confer with the other parent about them.
Hire a Parent Coordinator. A parent coordinator does not get to change the parenting time schedule; he or she just simply resolves disputes that arise between couples when they don’t agree. Typically, the parent coordinator makes a ruling, and if no one objects to the ruling within 5 days, the ruling stands. Keeps people out of court, and costs less than lawyers.
Involve a counselor. Agree to follow the recommendation of the counselor (you have to agree to do this before you get the counselor involved; you can’t wait and see if the decision comes out in your favor first, and then object like heck when it doesn’t). You put your trust in a professional, and let them be guided by what seems best for the child. Customarily, each parent will have input into the issues and explain his or her side to the counselor, who would then engage the child/children.
Tip 5 - document, but don’t over-document. No judge is going to want to read your manifesto of 200 pages on all the problems that have occurred. And even putting your judge through that, guess what? It is just your opinion, your thoughts, and not fact. So sure, keep track somewhere of things that happen, but it is more important to get in the practice of documenting by reducing communication to writing. If you have a question about something, put it in an email or text. Keep the response. If he or she tries to call you to respond (generally because he or she doesn’t want their answer to appear in writing, or would just rather talk than text or email - don’t assume the worst, both are common), record the phone call. At the very least, after the phone call, document the result. “So, we’ve decided to swap weekends, and you’ll have this one coming up and I’ll have the 17th-20th, and I’ll take our daughter to the sleepover at Dolly’s. Glad we worked this out.”
If there are bills to split, document - every set of parents needs to deal with medical bills for kids. In South Dakota, custodial parent pays the first $250 per child per year, and then the parties split everything after that on a pro-rata basis based on income. So, first of each year, have a folder for each kid, put the EOB’s in there, show the bill and the payment, and when it gets to $250, send it to the other side. Then anything that comes in after that, send them the bill, let them know their share of the cost, and give them a 2-week deadline to pay it.
There is an app called Our Family Wizard that is commonly directed by the Court - parents are strongly urged, or outright ordered, to communicate solely through OFW other than in emergencies. It time-tracks every communication - from when a message was placed to when it was read. Only the parents can log in - it is not sharable. It (to be frank) creates an Exhibit for future hearings, showing all communication between parents. It doesn’t cost much, and I think it works (as I understand it, it also discourages someone sending a snarky or offensive message as an immediate reply).
I think it is absolutely worth a try as a fence-building tool, making sure both parents feel free to communicate solely through one channel and knowing that it is all being stored for posterity. It can be abandoned at a future point, but if establishing perimeters is even a middling point in your relationship with your ex, this is a positive tool.
Tip 6 - look forward, not back. I’ve seen too many clients live their divorces for years, even decades, after it occurs. Life is too short for that. Look forward. Make your own life better. Treat your kids well. Listen to that voice inside that says - “here’s where I am now. Doesn’t matter how I got here. How do I move forward?” Have a set of guidelines for dealing with your ex, and stick with them, every time, no matter what, to keep a level playing field.