Parent Coordination - do we need a Parent Coordinator?
Parent Coordination - do we need a Parent Coordinator? Note - this is not legal advice. You are to receive your advice from a competent legal advisor. I am not your lawyer.
Couples struggle to communicate. They struggle to implement a parenting plan. Even with a parenting plan, they struggle to resolve conflicts that (inevitably) arise. One year, things go fine over Christmas, as they alternate the holiday with one parent receiving 24 hours from 8a on the 24th to 8a on the 25th, the other parent receives 8a on the 25th to 8a on the 26th, and otherwise, they follow the regular parenting pattern throughout the two weeks of Winter Break. The next year, one parent assumes they’ll do the same thing, only to discover that the other parent now “insists” that they follow the South Dakota Parenting Guidelines, which break the holiday into a “first half/second half” arrangement, so that the second parent now claims to get the entire second half of the holiday.
Unfair? Sure. Happens? Lots.
The Order may say to follow the South Dakota Parenting Guidelines for holidays. The parties have done things differently in the past, but now (customarily the parent who benefits) demands that they follow the Court order and the guidelines. There will be other holidays, so maybe this will all work out eventually, but for the parent who was lured into this “when it works for me, it’s fine, but when it doesn’t, we’ll do it my way” arrangement.
The answer to this dilemma can take many forms. It would be unlikely, in the above scenario, for the parents to work that one out themselves. They are diametrically opposed to one another, and one side looks to the history between them for resolution, the other looks to the Court order for resolution, and both are (technically) correct. There is no time to get this in front of a judge before the holiday (sometimes Parent B in the above scenario will wait until the “first half” of the holiday has already occurred - split between them on their regular parenting pattern - before demanding the change). Even if Parent A now uses the “first half/second half” in the following year, they have already lost their first half of the current year. Frustrations mount. Each side takes their respective position and comes out fighting - often over every other single issue that could ever arise, as a payback for the underhanded way in which this issue rolled out.
It can be hard to stop, and the best time to stop it is before it starts. Court orders are wonderful things, when they are specific about every little issue that could ever arise. We have seen in the divorce business that the agreements that people enter into have grown larger and longer with the passage of time. The South Dakota Parenting Guidelines have grown longer and more detailed over time as well (these are the “rules” put into place by the South Dakota Supreme Court as a default parenting pattern when people cannot agree). They are the default parenting pattern in the block of time between separation and before the parties get into Court for the first time - the law simply says that the parent who has had custody the majority of the time in the year leading up to the filing of the lawsuit is hereby declared the “custodial parent” and the other parent is the “non-custodial parent” and that they will fill those roles until a judge decides something.
That may be a topic for another day - what if we disagree over who was the primary and secondary parent while we were together? What if the primary parent when we were together now has to take a full-time job and is no more available for the kids than the parent who was previously working more hours in the week? What if one parent worked day shifts and the other parent worked overnight to save on daycare costs? Is it fair that the daytime worker is now the primary parent when both were contributing to the joint raising of the kids? Good questions all, and they deserve an answer. I’m just not giving you one in this post.
But no Court order is perfect. No Court order is so specific and so perfect that no one could possibly misunderstand it or could reasonably interpret it differently than another person. There are scenarios that are not covered. Family emergencies, birthday celebrations of outside relatives, a family gathering that occurs during the other parent’s time. We’d like to think we would be reasonable and come to a resolution, but it doesn’t always happen that way, and, to be fair, some families have 35 cousins who have birthdays where they want everyone together and it would not be fair to make a parent give up days and hours and weekends over and over again without a corresponding exchange of parenting time.
And in this regard, the holiday schedule of the South Dakota Parenting Guidelines (I’m just gonna shorten that to SDPG from here on out) is not particularly helpful. Sure, it lists the holidays (too many, in my opinion) and then there is a grid with Parent A and Parent B, and Odd Years and Even Years, so it is pretty clear who gets the holiday. But it also says that for some kids, holidays are one-day (or shorter) holidays, for some older kids, it is always the weekend including the holiday, and when you throw in Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, children’s birthdays, vacations, and general summer mayhem, it becomes very difficult. And the holiday schedule, as laid out in the SDPG, is not particularly helpful when it comes to shared parenting and 50/50 custody. Again, it splits the holidays, but contains an awful provision that says if the holiday schedule conflicts with the normal rotating weekend schedule, the holiday trumps all (I think that part is correct - holidays take priority). But it also says that you do NOT switch the weekend before or the weekend after the conflict, meaning that some parents will have their children 3 weekends in a row…..and more importantly, some parents will not see their children for 3 weekends in a row. Now couple this with the situation where a parent only sees his or her children on weekends, and you miss one because it is “his” holiday and now you don’t see your children for what amounts to a month. Not ideal, but that is what the SDPG mandates.
In agreements I draw up, we include provisions to deal with this. It simply says that if the normal rotating weekend schedule conflicts with the holiday schedule, we switch the weekend before or after the conflicting holiday so that neither parent has the children 3 weekends in a row. Simple, right? Apparently, not simple enough for the guidelines to include that very fair and fundamental position. I think the justification for it is that - eventually - it all evens out. If you get 3 weekends in a row now, I’ll get 3 in a row later, and rather than make people choose the weekend before or after (which can lead to its own conflicts), I’ll just abolish that provision so there’s no confusion. Sure, it’s worse, but it’s less confusing, and sometimes (in my experience, especially when you are the person who has to decide such things) simple and certain beats “better” every time.
This is doubly true with shared parenting. When parties have equal custody of children, it really makes no sense whatsoever for one parent to have the children 3 weekends in a row. Truly, you are seeing your kids half the time, so the more important factor is how long do you have to go between seeing them, rather than how do you divide the time? I’ve had cases where parents agreed to share the kids for the summer on a week-on, week-off basis. There will also be a provision for a vacation period of a week in summer. Well, can you see where this is headed? Some parents try to take their “vacation” (which is often really a “staycation”) during the other parent’s week, so that the parent gets three solid weeks in a row. Frustrating. Unfair. Counter-productive.
Customarily, the first step Courts will take for parents to resolve their differences is the use of an app. Two Homes. Our Family Wizard. These apps have a calendar that only parents can add things to. They are a messaging app that only the parents can add things to (unless they agree to add others to the app). In any event, whoever places a message or an event on the app, it shows who did it, when they did it, when the other side first read it, and creates a printable document showing all messages in the order they were sent and the responses to each. There are other features, but this is the basic idea. Communicate. Know that your communications are being seen by the other side, so if you’re a jerk, it is going to be presented to a judge someday, so don’t be a jerk. When people argue over who is the bigger jerk, the Courts often tell them to start using Our Family Wizard (OFW from here on out) so the judge can see the communication and make suggestions or modifications to the Court orders.
If OFW doesn’t work, we enter into the arena of Parent Coordination. This is a person who is hired by the couple, paid for by the couple, to resolve quick disputes between parents without having to go to Court over and over and over again. The general rule is that the Parent Coordinator (now I’m going to use PC as short for Parent Coordinator since I’ve used those two words enough) resolves disputes inexpensively and quickly, compared to hiring lawyers or taking up Court time.
PCs are professionals - counselors, trained professionals in the areas of family conflict and dynamics, who the Court entrusts to make small decisions. PCs cannot change custody of a child. PCs cannot tell parents to defy Court orders. They are there to fill in the cracks and help people learn to communicate better. Sitting down with a PC recently, I was told that if they have clients who have gone two years without using her services, she “graduates” them and refunds their retainers - still available to resolve disputes, but no longer needing to be at the ready.
PCs generally follow a flow chart as well - first, the Court order. If the Court order dictates a result, that’s the result. They don’t overrule a judge. Second, the SDPG - if the guidelines resolve an issue, the guidelines control. Third, the history between the parties, and what they’ve done in the past (reminds me of the only accountant joke I know - “Why did the accountant cross the road? Because that’s what they did last year!”)
The PC seeks input from the couple. Often, they will have an initial background meeting with both parents, so that when a dispute arises, they can hit the ground running. Every time, they are appointed by a Court order, including their fee agreement, the parameters of their duties, and how they will execute those duties. Only people who are approved by the Court and on a list of approved PCs can be appointed. People used to often ask for their pastor or another respected member of the community to serve in that capacity, but I can tell you that the duties, understanding, and knowledge needed by a good PC is far different than just being a good person, a reasonable mind, and a fair arbiter.
PC situations can go wrong in a lot of ways as well. Hey, anyone who makes 8 decisions about parenting and my family and my children is going to rule one way or the other, probably more often than not. Thus, the aggrieved party (“how could they not see how unfair this was?”) decides that they don’t want this PC any longer and refuses to pay them. Some PCs have demanded that every message sent between the couple is cc:d to them, then bill 1/4 of an hour for every message, sending bills for thousands of dollars without ever resolving a single dispute.
Other PCs are “case and controversy” coordinators. They will seek to have both sides try to resolve the issue themselves, exchanging messages (often on OFW) with their statement of the issue and their proposal for resolution. Only if they cannot agree will the PC step in and make a decision. That decision is binding on the parties unless one parent or the other appeals that decision to the judge within a preset time limits (usually 5 business days or something like that). Once a decision is rendered, it becomes part of the overall order and remains in place so that the same conflict doesn’t have to be fought over year after year.
PCs are wary of certain types of domineering parents. A gaslighter or narcissist (which is diagnosed by parents in their former partner about twice as often as it is really true) is used to getting his or her own way and has an array of methods of forcing that result. When the PC disagrees and sides with the passive parent, the Type A often reacts negatively, both to the PC and to the other parent. There are pitfalls and they need to be avoided. I’m not convinced everyone sees the absolute brilliance of all my suggestions either (and they probably shouldn’t, as I’m far from a perfect parent myself).
But it is something that high-conflict families should consider. And it’s something that your lawyer should be able to help you decide - not only whether or not you need a PC, but what kind of PC would work best for you and who, among the available and qualified practitioners, would work best. There is a variance between them in regard to their hourly rate. There is a variance between them in terms of the solidity of their answers and whether those answers really solve problems. There is a variance in the tone they employ. Your lawyer should be able to help match you up with the right PC for the job, and while they do cost money, they are far less expensive than litigation and lawyers and going back to Court over and over and over again.